Managing Fear as a Woman
Reflections on our Mastermind Discussion
This month’s theme has been fear and how it affects female power. I explored it in depth in my newsletter and also in my Mastermind exercise. It set us up for a good discussion within the community (which I opened up to the public because I think the topic and tools I shared are so important.) Next month I promise we’ll get on to something more joyful!
This month’s Zoom Mastermind discussion was well attended, thoughtful, and very supportive for those of us on the call. Below are some of my thoughts coming out of the dialog, and some links to resources and articles we discussed as a group.
Fear Is Both Human And Gendered
Fear is obviously a human emotion. Women and men both experience fear and it can be debilitating to all of us, especially when we get stuck in the physical paralysis (freeze) response.
But in our discussion, it was clear we all understood through experience that people react differently to fear based on their gender, largely in alignment with cultural gender patterns. Specifically:
Women tend to get stuck in a vulnerable place more than men, often supported by social messages encouraging us to be careful taking on “too much” or taking on risk at all. These messages often come from a well-intentioned place, but they give us permission to sit in the vulnerable space for too long.
Men often react to fear with extra bravado, covering up their fear. They are often supported by others and move through the vulnerable space more quickly. This isn’t always a strength, as there is growth through understanding vulnerability and learning to manage fear.
For both genders, the presence of people in our lives who express their belief in us with “you got this!” messages often make the difference between staying in the fear or moving through it.
If you find this content valuable, please “heart”, restack, and share it with your community to help others find it
Fear Responses Include “Fawning,” not just “Freeze, Fight or Flight”
One of our participants reminded us that in addition to all the emotional dimensions of fear, humans have a physical response as well, which is where the ever-popular “freeze, fight or flight” response comes from. However, there are other responses, including strategic and sexualized appeasement–cutely labeled “fawning” so it fits the F theme–which leads us to address aggression meant to cause fear by “befriending and tending.”
While not uniquely feminine, fawning is a strategy that women often learn early on and can be useful to help them stay safe. Of course, this doesn’t always work, and sometimes trying to appease an aggressor can get you killed. This reality has given rise to the Fuck Politeness meme popularized by My Favorite Murder, a true crime podcast.
We all recognize that this appeasement strategy can be delicate and make meeting the bear instead of the man in the wilderness an easier encounter to negotiate. It wasn’t until after our conversation, when I researched this fawning response strategy, that I encountered the idea of “fawning” as a response to trauma. This hit me square between the eyes. Yes. Angry men can be traumatizing, especially to people who have experienced any kind of violence or even the threat of it. I think women pick up these fawning skills from role models pervasive in our culture so that you don’t even have to be traumatized yourself in order to acquire the skills. This topic is pretty deep (there’s a whole book on it.) At least, that’s my take thinking about it at the moment. I’m very welcome to others’ perspectives in comments as I’m going to keep thinking about this.
Fear Presents Women With (Yet Another) Double Bind
A final thought I jotted down as we talked was the challenge we have encouraging ourselves, other women, and our daughters on how to deal with fear and manage risk. Women and girls are, after all, at greater risk in the world thanks to ongoing forgiveness of male-on-female violence.
Women are taught from a very young age how to work in the margins around boys and men. Some of this is just a function of cultural habit and some of it is a function of fear about what might happen if you don’t give men the space they demand. After all, historically, making a man angry can be a dangerous situation for a female person.
But as our world has become safer for women to speak up, hold power, and challenge cultural norms many of us realize how much we’ve been holding ourselves back unnecessarily. When we learn to step forward into some generalized fear, put ourselves into the center–or into the conversation at all–often we end up succeeding. We get the promotion or the job. We achieve things we didn’t think we could. We succeed in building our own power and reputation.
So the right response to help women get this awesome outcome is to encourage each other. “You Go Girl!” all the way!
And then there are those times when it doesn’t feel so safe, and it isn’t. Women and girls are threatened in many places online and offline in ways that turn out to be very dangerous.
Here’s the double bind (one of so many). We can’t be fearless without taking on, sometimes, great personal risk. Of course, men face this sometimes as well, but women face it in the smallest of ways, checking out at a grocery line comes to mind where I learned this when I was young. When is it right to be cautious? When is it right to protect ourselves and each other?
When it is right to be cautious, how do we do it in a way that doesn’t make us feel like it’s our fault if someone else has preyed on us? (Triple bind?)
I do not have global answers to these questions. They bother me because it’s wrong that we have to worry about this. It’s wrong that it’s wise for us to hold back on our power in certain circumstances, to fawn when we should flee or fight.
But pragmatically, it’s also wrong to pretend these situations don’t exist.
I think the ultimate answer is that each of us has to make our own choices for ourselves, the women we support, and our daughters. Choice is power. Choice is under our control. So making the choice on how to respond to fear is where our power lies. It’s ironic that choosing to fawn or flee or fight because you’re afraid makes you more powerless. But choosing fawning or fleeing or fighting to protect yourself or others is powerful. Same action. Different motivation. Different result.
Don’t let fear drive your actions, let fear make you more conscious of your choices. Consider the risk carefully and choose for yourself the most powerful action you can take that is also safe.
Not necessarily the most safe, but safe enough.
Thanks to the ladies who joined this week’s Mastermind. I really got a lot out of the discussion and can’t wait for our next one. Feel free to keep the conversation going in chat.
Reminder: Enough about fear! Next month we’ll take on a new topic. Put it in your calendar: Next Mastermind Zoom call is December 18th, 2025 at 12PM Eastern.
Have a happy Turkey Day if you celebrate! I have a brood coming over. Gonna need a vacation when the weekend is done! What’s up for you this holiday?
InPowering Powerful Women,
Dana Theus
Executive Coach
InPowerCoaching.com